Saturday, December 21, 2013
Bowl season is upon us; which means There Will Be Food. Even at the Fight Hunger Bowl I doubt they’ll cancel concessions.
On that note, here are a few full-stomach, post-holiday party keyboard noodlings by an already bowl-weary observer:
“Beef O’ Brady Bowl”?
I think there should be a Tofu Bowl too. Equal time.
I’ve been pondering the long list of football bowl games for December and January, trying to make sense of it all.
There was an innocent time when a bowl game had one of three kinds of names: flowers, fruit, or commodities. You had your Rose, Orange or Cotton. That and Sun Bowl — that was always a cool name.
Then it came to me, watching those crazy NFL games in the snow a few weeks ago:
We should add a new bowl game: “Snow Bowl” — but it will be a unique event: the only such game that truly serves the public.
“Snow Bowl” will be reserved for showcasing the talents of the shameless, shady and self-important people in our midst.
Snow Bowl will feature every felon, miscreant, headcase and person of suspect humanity in the sports world today, locked in a fenced-off football field covered with snow.
There are no rules. Snow Bowl is not even a football game — just the world’s biggest snowball fight, continuing until all participants are covered with snow and shivering.
They can warm up with weak cocoa and stale marshmallows some humanitarian donated to the food bank.
Our lineup will include:
n The Oregon Duck players who were suspended for the snowball fight on campus a couple of weeks back.
Hey, they wanted to play in a bowl game! Their wish comes true!
True, it’s not fair — to the rest of the competitors, because these guys have practice. So make them wear Oregon State Beaver mittens.
n The (former) Oregon City coach who stole, and pawned, his own players’ watches.
n Lance Armstrong — on a fat tired Huffy, in a neon-yellow parka.
n Jacoby Ellsbury, who cannot sit down until he has been hit with, oh, 153 chilly smackers.
n The dude who tried to hide the football that bounced into the stands last week in Miami. (“Hey, it’s the kickoff of a nationally televised playoff-significant football game, perhaps no one will notice if I casually shove the pigskin under my shirt.”)
n His hockey fan cousin (gotta be cousin), the lunkhead in Chicago who, as was recently seen on TV, pulled the helmet off a player who ended up in the stands and put it on his own head.
n Ron Burgundy. Because he would love it.
n Snow Bowl might even feature a Heisman candidate who richly deserves this icy platform: “Famous Jameis” Winston. Time will tell what this guy will be most “fameis” for …
(Can you name one other 20-year-old anywhere in the country who in the past year has been accused of sexual assault? No, few of us could. But Jameis Winston’s alleged actions are national news, because he is an ETA: Extraordinarily Talented Athlete — or Actor. No other reason.)
(When will the national media realize that by grandstanding the accusations against an ETA they are implying the ETA’s purported crimes are less serious — or moreso — than the equivalent action by a nobody?)
n The guy who always goes “whoooo!” when the National Anthem singer reaches “banner yet wave.” It’s a dumb, and insulting, American tradition: it basically says “We all doubted you could hit that note but way to go!”
n Reporters and columnists who get off subject and go on soapbox asides …
n Sports agents — forget the snow balls, best thing for them is just to let Fameis and friends gang up and stuff snow down their necks and pants — until they’re 40 percent full …
n Background buffoons: you know who they are — the goofballs at the stadiums who stand and mug for the cameras while the commentators are talking.
n Wait, Ron Burgundy is not an actual person? Coulda fooled me. He was interviewing Peyton Manning the other day. He did the news in Bismarck, N.D. Really.
Well, most of the Snow Bowl participants are not to be believed.
Of course, the seats at Snow Bowl will be covered with the cold stuff, too, so who’ll sweep it?
Give the maintenance staff the day off and make the Aaron Rodgers do it — with those discount daahhble check guys.